Self: Single

So many things I’ve been reading lately keep pointing back to  telling your story, and your story matters.  Even if it doesn’t matter to the masses, if it matters to one, it’s worth it.  There’s been several things that are part of “my story” that I think I’ll slowly put to words.  I’ve just started reading “Speak” by Nish Weiseth from my reading list and maybe I should read Let’s All Be Brave (by Annie F. Downs and also on my list) before I hit publish on this…but here we go….

I am single. 

Yes, still single.

I don’t know why.  That’s the equivalent of asking a couple who’s struggling with infertility (maybe unbeknownst to you) when they are going to have a baby.

We grow up thinking life goes in stages.  A person graduates High School, goes to College, finds their Mr or Mrs of their dreams, gets married, begins a career, buys a house, has a family, buy a bigger house, eventually has the average of 2.5 kids, adds in a pet or two, and begin living the family schedule.  But, reality is that’s not the order of events for everyone.  Somewhere on that line, something goes out of order or just doesn’t happen.  It’s out of our control.  

I was never the person in High School who had their plan for 5, 10, 15 years down the road.  I never had a wedding binder and magazines just waiting for the groom.  I’ve always thought the groom  played a part in the style, location, planning of the wedding, and until I knew who that was – there wasn’t any need for planning.  I did always think I would likely be married and have a family, God willing. 

More and more I have watched people struggle through these stages.  I have so many married friends who struggle with having children.  I have equal number of single friends who struggle with living in and being happy with single life.  I have friends who are “single again” due to a whole list of circumstances.  I have friends who are married, but wish they were single.  Seems like everyone is somewhere in that span of stages, and it’s not always what we thought it would be, and we can’t always make the next phase happen on our own.

I have a ton of married friends, I love them dearly.  I learn from them often, watch their marriages, how they parent their kids, interact with each other, manage in-laws, and so many other areas of life. These relationships are so valuable to me.  I also have single friends who we’ve learned to depend on each other when needed…for house hold help, pet help, grief, car troubles, illness, family struggles, friends and relationships and other areas of life.  I am by nature someone who cares deeply for and about my friends.  I don’t do surface.  I am in 100%.  I have to manage these expectations because I can often be disappointed when someone isn’t the same type of friend in return.  But, this is how I was created and I am thankful for all of these relationships that span less than a year to almost 20 years and how they pour into my life. 

I’ve never really been a girl who loves the dating life.  There are those girls, the ones who are out for fancy dinners 3 nights a week on different dates.  To me that is like interviews over and over again.  I’ve had enough of those in my life, and truthfully if I don’t sense some sort of potential connection there’s a lot of  people I don’t see on a regular basis that I would rather spend time with.  I’ve never been out for a “free meal”.  In fact, I’ve always said “if someone could pull off a date at Whataburger, they would win me over“.  Because I’m simple.  I like little things.  And, I like great friendships that turn into a great relationship and could one day be “the One”.

The best of dates for me are ordinary dates, spending time doing regular things of life.  You can learn a lot about someone in the everyday.  Even running errands.  Everyone can be on their best behavior for a couple of hours at the Steak House, but what happens when some things go awry and you’ve never see how they handle those circumstances.  I’ve also always appreciated that my parents are friends, they hang out together.  A lot.  Always have.  And, I’ve seen them make it through challenging seasons.  And, I know, if you can’t make it with just each other, you’re going to really struggle to make it.  All the fine dining is nice, but can you survive if that gets stripped away and there’s only peanut butter and jelly left? 

I meet lots of people on a regular basis, but I’m not an online dater.  I have a friend (guy) who once told me “it’s like shooting fish in a barrel”.  I’m not a fish in a barrel.  It undoes me to think of someone scrolling through a list of people some app/computer program suggests to them and clicking yes or no when my picture shows up based on those results.  I also think there’s a lot of, let’s call it, “false advertising” in the online dating world, lack of truth for who a person really is. Maybe online dating is for you, but for me, I want to know a guy.  Who he really is, not him behind a computer screen, text screen or otherwise.  

And, so I keep going.  Every relationship that ends, there’s something to be learned.  Something that I think will potentially one day be critical knowledge in a marriage. The lessons learned could fill a series and I will just keep those to myself for now and protect the innocent.  One of the biggest lessons I have learned that I will share is to “Let your yes be yes and your no be no”.  If more people practiced this in all arenas of life there wouldn’t be so much guesswork.  I’m not just saying that for guys, it goes for girls too – don’t lead a guy on with no greater intention than a “free meal”.  Communicate, even when it is hard, it’s better to communicate.  You’ll earn greater respect by being honest and transparent in communicating than not. 

I know that my worth isn’t found in status of checking the box of single or married.  Beyond the expectations of this world, I know that in the eyes of Jesus I am no less because I am single. At the end of the day I’m not looking for perfect, because none of us are perfect.  I want a leader.  I want him to pursue Jesus and love like he does.  The heart and matters of the heart are a precious part of life and I want to be careful of someone’s heart the same way I want them to be careful of mine.  And, I want him to be tall because I love high heels.  🙂

So, despite being single.  I’m ok.  Yes, I’m a big fan of marriage, there’s days I think “it would be nice if…..”, and I’m certainly not wishing to never find my Mr, but most days I’m ok.  If you’re feeling like you’re lost because you’re single, you aren’t.  If you feel alone because you are, you aren’t.  If you feel forgotten because you are, you aren’t.  You are chosen, loved and matter just the way you are.  And, so am I. Don’t substitute those feelings with someone temporary just to fill a void that turns out to leave a greater void. 

Even when Mr. Right (or Mrs for my couple of guy readers) does come along, he’s (she’s) going to let me down, disappoint me, frustrate me, hurt my feelings and I will do the same in return.  Not intentionally.  But, because we are human and aren’t perfect.  So press on. Don’t fill yourself with an emptiness of “free meals”; but fill yourself with a feast of the love of heavenly Father. And, keep praying, He hears your prayers and meets you right where you are. 

Need some reinforcements (I’ve included my favorite Bible translation)…check out Proverbs 31:25 (ESV), Romans 12:12 (ESV), Psalm 100:5 (ESV), Psalm 42:5 (ESV), Isaiah 26:3(ESV), 1 Peter 1:6 (Living Bible), Habakkuk 3:19 (Amplified Bible) , Isaiah 30:18 (Amplified), Psalm 34:18 (Message), Lamentations 3:22-25 (ESV), Isaiah 54:10 (ESV), Ephesians 4:29 (ESV) and Zephaniah 3:17 (ESV). (Or click here to see all of these verses)

And my favorite…

You are loved,