#Write31Days – Oct 14 – Break-up

If you’ve been here before, you might have read my post on being single, and as you can imagine with being single comes break-ups.  No ones favorite, but a part of life.

There have been cases of being lied to, of rebounds, of false intentions, been careless with my heart and the hardest one for me which has happened more than once, the disappearing act with no reasoning.  I guess it’s hardest for me to wrap my mind around someone that you talk to throughout the day, speak to by phone pretty much daily and see multiple times in a week/weekend to all the sudden just disappear, never to be heard from.  I really value relationships, and as an adult feel like I owe it to someone that I have built a relationship with to at least tell them it’s over for me, and I have, vs to tell them I will call and never do. 

All that said, I have been fortunate to suffer no deep wounds like I have seen so many friends endure due to bad relationships.  Any past relationship that I cross paths with I could have a civil conversation with and move on. 

With any breakup I always try to learn a few lessons, and here’s a couple for me over the years…

  • “It’s not you, it’s me” is a phrase I will never use in terms of a break-up.  At the end of the day there is something about the “you” in that statement that doesn’t work for the “me”.  I have consciously made an effort not to not use this phrase when I’ve chosen to end a relationship or what I felt might be moving towards a more serious relationship. The way I see it is the “you” doesn’t meet some need, moral/fundamental belief or value, or some other red flag that is not a point to compromise on.  It doesn’t mean you rip their character.  But, “me” isn’t being truthful to that  person and choosing an easy out. 
  • Protect their character.  I have had my fair share of times that I have said not nice things about someone in venting to my friends.  But, I have learned that to be in a relationship long term, like a marriage,  you have to protect your spouse’s character and the only way to learn to do that is to practice in all other relationships leading up to the one that you marry.  Plenty of people have bashed someone and my typical response is “I just don’t understand” which is 100% true because said actions usually blindside me and are out of character I knew and expected.  This is also a lesson I’ve learned from watching married friends.  I want to respect my husband, I want him to know that a “girls night out” isn’t a husband-bash session because I also don’t want him doing that to me.  Yes, there has to be “that” person who you can vent to from time to time, but that is a very protected relationship who is also free to correct you in love when you need it and reset your opinions.  That person is not his or her mother. 
  • Have the hard conversations.  At the end of the day if it’s worth it to you to fight for that relationship to succeed, then learn to have the hard conversations.  If you want to be married, there are going to be hard conversations.  I can’t ignore them, nor can he.  We have to learn how to express opinions, feelings and questions in love with another person.  I just this week sat and talked with married friends, their exact words “marriage is hard” and “marriage with kids is really hard”.  Not practicing and learning how to communicate in the “easy” dating phase will never pay off later in life. 

Recently at our church a reference was given about family, in this instance to the family of God, but it pertains to all “family” which I see as marriage family, parent/child family, and even closes friends who are like family.  We love all of those people in unique ways. 

Liking people is neat.
Loving people is messy. 

With any relationship, the more you get to know someone the messier it can be at times.  People will let us down. I KNOW I will let down a boyfriend, fiance and husband.  I also KNOW that he will do the same to me.  It isn’t intentional but it will happen.  I know that also happens in friendships and families. 

When relationships are new, every day learning a little more and every day seems “fun” it is neat.  You like them, they like you. It’s all very neat. 

Then time goes by, the heart gets involved, feelings are definitely involved and it starts to get messy.  Hard conversations come up.  Feelings get hurt.  Disappointments happen.  However, if you care enough about that person, you’re willing to persevere through it.  If you don’t, then be straightforward, respectful and have the conversation to end the relationship. Don’t leave questions and don’t just turn and walk away. 

There’s always a lesson to be learned, there’s always a way for us to do better.  Ultimately a husband loves his wife like Christ loves the church.  He esteems her and builds her up.  She respects him as the head of the home.  To get to that point takes practice, a willing spirit and a consistent forgiving heart.  Here’s to the next time around!


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