#write31days | October 2nd

This year I turned 40 and it seemed leading up to the day I kept seeing the number popping up in various places. I didn’t post this on my actual birthday in August, but feel it gives some story and insight to this month of S I N G L E.

Never did I hesitate about turning 40. I never felt like I wished I could go back, but I also didn’t do that at 25 or 30 or 35. If you’ve been here long or know me at all, you know I’ve lost 2 best friends in life, and so I value my days and am thankful for the years I have. Every year is to be celebrated and I hold that very dear, no matter if I’m S I N G L E or one day not.

Approaching 40 I feel like I am where I am supposed to be, and know more than ever before, where I want to go. Every bit of 40 years has gotten me to this point. All the ups and all the downs, all the easy and all the hard, all the happy and all the sad, all the experience, all the refining, all the disappointment, all the gains. More than I am a #girlboss of a business, I am the #girlboss of me. And I am comfortable and confident in that role. I know who I am, what I stand for, why I make choices I do and don’t worry over other’s opinion. That doesn’t mean my feelings aren’t often hurt and that I don’t take into account wise counsel – both happen often, but I am confident in who I am. Even on days I dine by myself, a table for one, because I’m S I N G L E. Which, by the way is one of my favorite things to do from time to time.  

40 brought a round of tests that I hadn’t done before, where you get a warm robe, and a cold machine and a few awkward seconds of you and the radiology technician. All starting and ending with a locker that reminds you, in every S I N G L E detail you’re approaching 40. Those tests don’t always come with a note in the mail and the normal box checked; but sometimes come with an unexpected phone call, for abnormal results, follow up tests, nerves and a few tears of uncertainty. And, you can feel very alone.

Nothing in life is free, you don’t even get the free Bingo space without buying the card. Sometimes life feels like chance of numbers rolling and getting called. Is it my turn? Do I have what you want? Will I be picked? And, when you’re older and S I N G L E it sometimes seems like it’s never your turn. Sure, there’s been people I’ve dated, ones I’ve had great times with, ones I’ve learned lots about myself from, ones who I knew were not a good choice and ones who have really challenged me. At the end of the day I’m free to choose who I date, and I know I’d rather be choosy than make the wrong choice out of desire to be not-S I N G L E.

The photoshopped vision of the world we are constantly exposed to would like us to believe 30 is 20 and 40 is 30 and 50 is 40 and thus we never age. As I wrapped up my 30’s I was ready for 40. It was a new decade for me, not a do-over of the one I just finished. 40 is 40. I’ve never been ashamed of my age, and believe I only get more and more comfortable with who I am every S I N G L E year that passes by. 

Though I am 40 and S I N G L E, and bouquets aren’t on the regular around here, my life is a beautiful bouquet. Of family and friends and experience and growing and loss and dreams.

And, one S I N G L E great love, Jesus. 
Who gives gifts to my life like a 40th birthday that was such a beautiful bouquet. 
Who is with me every day of every year. 
Who’s love for me was bought with the greatest price. 
Who comforts me when I fear. 
Who is the ultimate boss of me. 
Who celebrates me. 
And if there is a man who takes away my S I N G L E status, 
he will always fall behind that one S I N G L E great love. 
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