#write31days | October 2nd
This year I turned 40 and it seemed leading up to the day I kept seeing the number popping up in various places. I didn’t post this on my actual birthday in August, but feel it gives some story and insight to this month of S I N G L E.
Never did I hesitate about turning 40. I never felt like I wished I could go back, but I also didn’t do that at 25 or 30 or 35. If you’ve been here long or know me at all, you know I’ve lost 2 best friends in life, and so I value my days and am thankful for the years I have. Every year is to be celebrated and I hold that very dear, no matter if I’m S I N G L E or one day not.
40 brought a round of tests that I hadn’t done before, where you get a warm robe, and a cold machine and a few awkward seconds of you and the radiology technician. All starting and ending with a locker that reminds you, in every S I N G L E detail you’re approaching 40. Those tests don’t always come with a note in the mail and the normal box checked; but sometimes come with an unexpected phone call, for abnormal results, follow up tests, nerves and a few tears of uncertainty. And, you can feel very alone.
Nothing in life is free, you don’t even get the free Bingo space without buying the card. Sometimes life feels like chance of numbers rolling and getting called. Is it my turn? Do I have what you want? Will I be picked? And, when you’re older and S I N G L E it sometimes seems like it’s never your turn. Sure, there’s been people I’ve dated, ones I’ve had great times with, ones I’ve learned lots about myself from, ones who I knew were not a good choice and ones who have really challenged me. At the end of the day I’m free to choose who I date, and I know I’d rather be choosy than make the wrong choice out of desire to be not-S I N G L E.
Though I am 40 and S I N G L E, and bouquets aren’t on the regular around here, my life is a beautiful bouquet. Of family and friends and experience and growing and loss and dreams.