#write31days | October 19th

…continued from yesterday’s post…. 

Oftentimes “getting back on the horse” and dating again seems daunting and it is easier to say “no” which is essentially self protection.

Maybe you’ve thought this….I am ok being S I N G L E and I know that status of my heart when I am single and I am happy.

Maybe you’ve done this….When dating, you can essentially fake it and never commit yourself to someone, and even do that if you’re seriously dating.

Both of which are means of self protection. 
Protecting against disappointment. 

I was talking to a friend recently about a competition, nothing to do with dating, where her current standing is 2nd. She’s happy with 2nd. Continuing to “go for it” means taking on the risk of feeling like you “got 2nd” instead of feeling like you did everything you could and WON 2nd.

But why? 

I believe as we age we know what disappointment feels like and the struggle to overcome it, so it is easier to settle, instead of taking the risk.  Not only in dating, but in all aspects of our lives.

Once you’ve gotten up the courage to say “yes” to giving out your number or a set up or a date, with reasonable precaution the self protection layers have to be stripped away. Not on the first date. But, as you gain confidence in the relationship.

Most often the hardest piece of self protection to let go of is the one that “they will do the same thing to me that ex, or ex, or other ex did. Believe it or not I have had the same thing happen to me by 3 different people.

So, I’m cautious. 
But, I want to give someone new the benefit of the doubt. 
That they won’t do what that ex did. 

If I only expect them to do the same thing they never have a chance not to because I’m constantly looking at them through the lens of “you will hurt my heart” and waiting to “catch them” in the act. Thus proving my point.

No matter how many times our hearts have been hurt, if/when we find the one, they will still hurt our heart. They are not perfect and we can’t expect them to never make a mistake. There are two sides to this coin, so we will do the same thing to them.

From my married friends, who have some of the best marriages I have an opportunity to witness, this happens. Someone’s expectations aren’t meant, so someone’s feelings are hurt from small things to big things. And you can’t just walk away.

So, practicing that vulnerability (Brene Brown is excellent resource on this) in dating is good practice for marriage. Learning to communicate if you’re scared, or concerned, or nervous, or whatever emotion, is critical in having successful long term relationship.

Don’t let fear of disappointment hold you back forever. 
Don’t panic. I’m with you.
    There’s no need to fear for I’m your God.
I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you.
    I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.
Isaiah 41:10 
If you’re just joining in from #write31days, I’m so glad you’re here!
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